Say It In October: Money Conversations Worth Having Before the Holidays

The cheapest holiday conversation you’ll have this year is the one you have in October.

By December, the Airbnb is booked, the Secret Santa list is locked, and your best friend has already bought your gift. You’ve probably been in at least one of those group texts — the one proposing everyone chip in for a house with seven bathrooms, or the work chat organizing the annual mug exchange.

That pressure isn’t in your head. Credit Karma found that 39% of Americans feel pushed to spend more than they can afford over the holidays, with 50% of Gen Z and Millennials saying they feel the same squeeze. And a Chainstoreage survey notes four in ten head into the season already carrying debt.

But many people are choosing to take control. About half of the people from the Credit Karma survey say they’re planning to have an honest conversation with family and friends about what they can actually afford this year.

Here’s what that conversation can sound like. 

With peers: You’re probably not the only one who wants to spend less

Gift exchanges carry more emotional weight than the dollar amount suggests. 

We asked Marcella Mollon-Williams, a behavioral financial advisor and creator of The Behavioral Alignment Method, how to ask your group to spend less without making it weird. 

“During the holidays, we’re not just managing dollars. We’re managing the meaning that’s attached to that money,” Mollon-Williams says. 

Her advice is to make a request, not a command or a confession, and keep it about the group rather than yourself, something like:

The script: “I’d love to participate. Would everyone be open to keeping the gift limit around $25 this year?”

You don’t have to be broke to want to spend less. Often, you’re not the only one feeling the pressure; you may simply be the first one willing to say something.

If a lower cap isn’t enough, change the format. Draw names, make homemade gifts, or run a white elephant using things you already own. Or skip presents entirely for a potluck or a movie night.

Opting out is harder. Blanka, 41, of Houston, joined a $20 mom’s group exchange she wanted to skip and ended up with coffee-related gifts, despite not drinking coffee. “You want to belong, so you don’t want to be like, ‘Hey, I’m not doing this,'” she says.

The script: “Thank you for including me, but I’m going to sit out the exchange this year. I’m still looking forward to celebrating with everyone.”

Then leave it there. Communicating a decision and defending one are two different things.

Say it before anyone starts making their list.

With your partner: Fair doesn’t have to mean 50-50

How much are you spending on each other’s parents, siblings, and Great-Aunt Sally? What if one of you earns significantly more? Who covers travel and hosting?

Mollon-Williams frames it as fairness rather than a hard split. Ask what contribution feels reasonable for each person, then decide together which holiday expenses are actually priorities.

Gifts are about showing appreciation, not comparing receipts.

The script: “I want us to enjoy the holiday without feeling like we have to prove anything through gifts. I’d love for us to spend a little less on each other this year and put more attention on how we spend the time.”

If your partner says, “But we’ve always spent that much,”:

The script: “I know that’s what we’ve done before. I’m just asking whether it still makes sense for us this year.”

It’s not always about whether you can afford something. It’s about how you want to spend the money you have.

Asia, 25, of Phoenix, and her fiancé set a $100 limit and stuck to it. “We haven’t had any hurt feelings around gifts because we know our price range,” she says.

Say it before either of you has bought anything.

With family: You can decline a trip without it being an insult

Travel adds up fast, and it’s the expense most likely to be decided by someone else.

Declining a trip — or saying you can only stay two nights instead of five — isn’t an insult to the people you care about.

The script: “We’re not going to be able to make the trip work this year, but we’d really love to find another way to spend time together.”

If someone’s feelings are hurt, resist the urge to overexplain. Giving more reasons gives the other person more openings to negotiate, Mollon-Williams says. Acknowledge the disappointment and keep the boundary.

The script: “I understand you’re disappointed. We’re disappointed too. But this is still what works best for us this year.”

While living paycheck to paycheck in London, Blanka had to tell her parents she couldn’t afford to fly home. “I mean, it was literally not in my budget,” she says. Her mother was upset. “I remember her saying, ‘But it’s Christmas.'”

You can care about someone’s feelings without changing your financial decision.

Sometimes speaking up leads to compromise. André, 34, based in Belgium, and his wife had planned to split an Airbnb with her parents, who picked a deluxe place. “I explained that we wanted to join the family, but that we weren’t comfortable with that accommodation cost, and suggested looking for a less expensive house,” he says. His in-laws agreed to a more economical rental.

Compromise can also look like traveling on a cheaper weekend, offering to host, driving instead of flying, or FaceTiming on the day.

Say it before anyone books anything.

The takeaway: Have it in October, not December

• Start with the conversation that cost you the most last year. One conversation, not all three.
• Make it a request, not a confession. “Would everyone be open to…” travels further than an explanation of your finances.
• Name a number. A specific figure is easier to agree to than a vague ask to spend less.
• Don’t overexplain. Acknowledge the disappointment once, then stop. Extra reasons are negotiating room.
• Send it before the trigger point — before the list, before the purchase, before the booking.

Whoever speaks up first gets to set the number. In October, that’s still available to you.